Giving myself permission...

I was having a conversation with my mom the other day while sitting in my pajamas at noon with no intention to put on real clothes any time soon and I said "Gardening doesn't appeal to me because it's never finished. I prefer projects that have a point at which you know you are finished." I had been feeling something along these lines for a long time but had never found the words to go with it. And I didn't have the permission to back it up. Now I do. 

I realized, after saying  that out loud to my mom, that I've been beating myself up for my crappy looking gardens for a few years. I've wanted to be a gardener and at one point fancied myself a gardener but after returning to the same damned weeds year after year, I realize that this constant argument with the same weeds doesn't actually bring me pleasure. It brings me stress. It makes me feel like I'm letting down my neighbors by not having a tidier yard. It makes me feel like I'm letting down myself for not following through and for being lazy about the weeds. But then I look around... Give me an outdoor shower project or a new fence project or a patio-building project and I can throw myself into it and enjoy it (overall - maybe not in the moment of hauling patio bricks but overall...). Being able to put away the tools and know that it's DONE brings me the type of satisfaction that lasts for me. I don't feel defeated because three days later, I don't need to go back and fix the shower again. I feel the same way about cleaning my house. I'll organize all day long but cleaning just irritates me!

So I now realize that it's OKAY for me to have this preference! How freeing it is to recognize this and honor it! 

So far so good 2015!