Babies Lost...

This photo was taken 12/15/12 by a friend of mine in front
of the Sandy Hook Elementary School - I can't help but  reel from
the words at the bottom of the sign - "Visitors Welcome" .

It's just over 36 hours since the tragic, murderous acts at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT and I can't seem to get myself together. I have avoided the news and the images. I do not need to hear the grisly details. My imagination has filled in the blanks about how terrified those people must have been and that is plenty.

I have not seen any photos of the children lost in this senseless act against the truly innocent but my mind has automatically super-imposed the face of every child that I have ever loved into those empty seats and I, like so many, cannot get ahead of the grief. It takes me by surprise when I'm least expecting it.

Last night I had to walk away from a woman at my husband's Christmas party. She was encouraging a newly-wed woman to get pregnant as soon as possible because being a mom is so awesome and (here's the part that made me walk away) women who aren't moms just never really "get it".

I haven't given birth to any children - I wasn't granted that privilege - but I have raised many children and have loved them like my own. I get it.

Tonight we attended the dance recital of my husband's cousin's daughter (a 12 year old that I love). Watching those children aged ~5 to ~17 dance with wide, sincere smiles on their faces aroused conflicting feelings in me with one wave after another. The first wave held the infectious joy of their youthful exuberance and the pleasure they were clearly getting from showing off months of hard work. The second wave was littered with the debris of reality that 26 families, just 45 minutes from my hometown, will never experience this joy with their beloved child/parent/sibling/grand-child.

A thought that keeps echoing in my head. These children, these people, these newly-anointed angels, probably have Christmas gifts waiting for them under a tree or in a closet waiting to be wrapped. How does a person deal with that? A child's gift they will never receive...

I may not have given birth but I get it. My heart aches for these families.

And yet, as my husband the police officer very gently pointed out today, as the country grieves for these lost children and the people that tried to protect them, someone, somewhere, is planning another assault.........

Moving forward every day with that last piece of knowledge crashing around in my soul colliding with my grief is almost overwhelming. But it is not the time for anger alone, it's the time for preparation. It will happen again but we can learn from this ultimate act of betrayal. To be prepared, vigilant, ready to act, and to trust your instincts is the lesson. Don't stop listening.